I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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