They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
