I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
