the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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