Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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