First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
