allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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