So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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