do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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