i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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