we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
we're so committed to being not committed
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
