It's like God shit irony all over that family
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
