So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
