My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
