i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
