does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
