Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
