Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Everyone says I win the strip club
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
