I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
