I just threw up on my dentist
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
