I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
