...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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