What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
