First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
