i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
