It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
