Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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