I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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