Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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