Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
