apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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