He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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