i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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