i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Still dying that you shit outside
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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