The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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