he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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