tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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