you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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