Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
