Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
