last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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