She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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