No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
