They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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