I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
