I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
