I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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