My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
