Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Randomize
