dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
